The Journey
This is my journey as of today. I may update on occasion.
Day 1 Tuesday (5/9/23)
Well, it really isn’t day 1 as this has been going on for some time. A few years ago I felt a lump in my breast and brought it to the docs attention. She did her routine exam and it was discounted as an enlarged milk duct. That’s fine; the docs not worried so I’m not worried.
Fast forward to July of last year (2022) when I noticed some changes going on. I went in for a mammogram and ultrasound and everything came back clear. Awesome, nothing to worry about however, it still bothered me regarding the changes. I racked it up to getting older and that was that. The end of March (3/24/23) I went to my primary for a regular check up and told him what was going on. He suggested I see a specialist as a precaution (3/29/23). The second mammo and ultrasound (4/14/23) again showed nothing so the doc sent me for an MRI (4/28/23).
Went in on a Wednesday (5/3/23) for what I thought was going to be one biopsy and while I was there the ultrasound tech now found two masses. One I could feel and one I could not. 2 biopsies were performed and then THE WAIT!!! That was the longest 7 days ever!!!
So here we are at Day 1 Tuesday 5/9/23 2:30 in the afternoon and the phone rings. I’ve been waiting for the call but when it finally comes in then it will make things final. Either I’m good to go or things are going to change.
The doc said she wants to see me in her office. I asked her to just give it to me straight and she confirmed that one of the masses are positive.
She wants me to come in to discuss where we go from here.
I immediately call Bruce and fortunately he was at the transfer station (he was 5 minutes from pulling out with his next load) so he was able to meet me at the doc.
We both cried on the phone and talked to each other as we made our journey; both coming from opposite ends of the county. Him from the west and me from the north. 30-45 minutes seemed like forever before I could get to him. I know when I get to him he will give me a hug and everything will be better even though I know we have many unknowns before us.
My doctor comes in and first thing she does is ask to give me a hug (LOVE HER!) she finished up stuff from the previous patient and then she comes in to chat
We already know from the phone call that one of the masses is cancer. She proceeds to explain that we will do chemo then surgery or surgery then hormone and radiation treatment depending on what the final pathology shows. It doesn’t matter which road we take I will be loosing a piece of me that will never come back. Sure I could get a tattoo or surgically recreate it but it won’t be the same. There will always be a piece of me gone.
That is a very large pill to swallow
We are currently at Day 3 (5/11/23) waiting on the final pathology report that will show if it’s estrogen fed or not.
Watched little Miss this evening and now that she’s off to bed and it’s just me, I think and as I think I begin to cry. I see a commercial about hormone therapy and it has so many side effects it makes me wonder if it’s even worth it. I still don’t know what my treatment is but either way there’s going to be side effects and that scares me. How is it going to change our lives, how is it going to change what I am able to do for Bruce, the kids and the grandkids, the farm?
It’s all still so new so not a lot of people know. Those that do know try to be reassuring and tell me that losing that little part won’t make any difference but really it will and I’m having a hard time with that. I’m trying to be strong but in these quiet moments it hits me hard.
I’m ready for the results, I’m ready to get started on this next chapter.
We will be selling Johnny June and Reba to reduce the workload while we travel this temporary path.
Yes this path is only temporary but it’s going to leave a lasting impression
This little part was how I fed my children when they were born
I realize I’m not the first to go through this and I will not be the last but there is a loss and I will be grieving for that loss
Day 4 Friday 5/12/23
It was an emotional morning with both of us in tears
On the way to work Stonger came on. It’s a reminder that God is stronger than my fear
So I called the doc at 1:30 or so and the cancer is estrogen fed so surgery is scheduled for May 24th with radiation and hormone treatment to follow. She said she will start with a triangular incision in hopes of saving the nipple but if the tumor is attached to the nipple then it will need to be removed.
I’ve already started with graviola frankincense and cbd daily. I don’t know if any of it will work but I’m praying it reduces the tumor even further. There’s only 12 days but miracles can happen
I know there’s still a painful road ahead but I’m feeling a little less stressed about everything.
Day 7 5/15/23
The weekend was a blur with a very busy Mother’s Day. Breakfast with the boys and Jake, church, then to visit with Judy then Brianna and Courtney
Next year maybe I’ll stay home and let everyone come to me. I’m whooped 😂
I posted last night about this new journey we’re on and the love and support have been overwhelming. So many, that I didn’t know, have made this journey as well. I know I will get through this and I know the chances are higher that I will lose the nipple but I know that Bruce will love me just the same. I’ve put the critters up for sale so I’m hoping they go quickly so Bruce or myself, don’t have to deal with them after the surgery.
I believe in miracles and I totally believe that God can reduce this tumor and I won’t need surgery or any other treatment HOWEVER, I also know that there may be a reason I need to go through this chapter of life. What that reason is, I do not know. For the moment it is getting me to realize that I need to reduce my workload so that why were selling off the critters. Beyond that, I don’t know the reason. Maybe my miracle has already been received and I just haven’t recognized it. I mean this thing has been in me for a few years so the fact that it is only now showing up on scans; maybe that’s my miracle. Again, I don’t know but I know that we will take this one day at a time and together, we will grow stronger
Day 8 5/16/23
Today it’s the start of all the preop visits. First stop is the primary for ekg and then get the script for the chest X-ray and blood work
A friend added me to a cancer group and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. One story seemed to ease my concern about radiation and someone else’s stressed me out. Might have to put that group on mute we’ll see
Otherwise I’m feeling confident that the doc will remove this foreign object and I will move forward. I know there will be high and low days but I’m praying the high days out number the low ones.
Still no real prospects for the cows and that’s stressing me out a bit. Bruce has been dealing with some major tooth pains and went to the dentist today. Looks like he’s going to have to get dentures. Not sure where we’re going to get the money for that at but somehow some way we’ll figure it out. Just another side effect of the treatment or prednisone we guess.
Whatever it takes to get him out of pain.
Day 9 8/17/23
I looked in the mirror this morning and wondered what it’s going to look like without the nipple. It seems so strange to thing how different it’s going to be. I’m going into it with the knowledge that I’ll be coming out without it and I’m trying to be ok with that because I know that’s what’s needed to get enough material around the tumor, but it’s still tough.
We had our first church group tonight and it was nice to have the ladies pray for me and reassure me. I KNOW I’m going to be ok and I KNOW there’s a reason for all of this so for now, we walk down this road and see where it leads us.
Day 10 5/18/23
I had a meltdown in the shower. Something so simple, just getting a shower and I broke down. Next week this time my body will not be the same. I know it’s just a nip but that nip has been a part of me for 54 years! That nip nourished my infant children. And YES! That nip brings pleasure and now it will be gone. I HAVE to go into this with the realization that it is going to be gone knowing full well that God can save it. I feel that if I go into it with an all roses attitude that I will just be setting myself up for disappointment. I don’t know if this is the right way or the wrong way. I know God can remove the tumor all together and I’m believing that. I’m not selling him short but I also want to be realistic of what is before me. Does that mean I don’t have faith? I DO!
I KNOW it can happen. I’ve SEEN it happen. What did mom have that maybe I don’t?
So as I was wallowing in my own pity I learned that my friends father passed away. I feel selfish. I know her pain and my heart breaks for her.
Here I am boohooing about loosing part of my boob and she just lost her dad
I was talking to a friend about how I have faith that God can dissolve this tumor but I also may have already received my miracle because this has been in me for a while and it seems we still caught it early. I also mentioned that maybe I need to go through this to help others. My friend told me that that’s not the way to think. It made me question if I didn’t have faith so I called on my friend Chuey.
After speaking with her I felt much better.
I know that I know that I know that that God could completely dissolve this and that would be a huge testimony. So I sit here holding hubbies hand believing that God could take this from me but also believing that perhaps this is my path and I or some others will learn something through this.
5/20/23
Yesterday was company skip day and we went out on the bosses boat. It was a beautiful day and nice to be out enjoying the sunshine and not sitting in the office
Today we went out on Jeff and Vickies boat. It’s always good to spent time with friends. Had a minor melt down when we coming back after my cousin checked in to see how I was doing. This time next week I will be recovering. I’m ready to have this out of me but scared at how I’m going to look afterwards. I’m also apprehensive about the radiation and hormone treatment. I hate taking thins unnecessarily and messing with my hormones doesn’t seem like a good idea
I guess only time will tell
5/21/23
What a day! Today Bruce and I got baptized at the beach with our friends and family there to help us celebrate! The water was rough with the waves pushing us about but it was perfect.
5/22/23
Today Bruce got his heart loop monitor installed to monitor his Afib episodes.
It seems I’m NEEDY because someone offered to help with some of my chores so they could learn more about food forests etc.
Good to know
I’ve got so much on my mind with work and home and misplaced my debit card. I’ve never done that! Just one more thing to add to the stress load.
5/23/23
Today is proving to be a bit stressful. Bruce rolled over in bed and his monitor piece seemed to pinch in the area it was inserted so he’s in a bit of pain today. My portion started out ok with preop. Got there at 7:00 to make sure I was first so I could get to work at a reasonable hour. Went through everything and got to work with no issues. It looked like we were good to go.
At about 10:30 I get a call from gardens saying that no one put me on the schedule for the ultrasound prior to surgery and if I didn’t get all the scans there TODAY they wouldn’t be able to do so. I called the docs office and it went to the messenger (building got struck by lightning so phones aren’t working right). Called good Sam cancer center and another voice mail. Broke down and called docs cell phone pleading for her to have someone call me so we could get this taken care of. Got a call from the secretary at docs office and she said there shouldn’t be an issue as they (good sam and gardens) are on the same system. She also mentioned that she had not received the release from the primary. Next call was to the primary to see what the deal was with getting the release sent over. The girl there asks if surgeon sent over a form... I DONT KNOW!!! All y’all need to get it together!! I’m the patient and I’m trying to get y’all straight!! Gave her the surgeons info so hopefully they get it together. Meanwhile I call gardens back to see if she’s heard from the surgeons office because the lady there said she’s call (I have her the phone number to do so). Melissa (gardens hospital) said the surgeons lady simply said she scheduled with the OR and couldn’t understand why Melissa couldn’t see the images. Great! So because YOU don’t get it you just leave it at that!! Thankfully Melissa used to work at good Sam and is going to get a hold
Of someone she knows to try and get the scans sent over. Meanwhile it’s 11:10 am, I’m stressed out and my surgeon is still waiting on the clearance from the primary.
Is this all to teach me patience, grace? I don’t know but at the moment I don’t think I’m being a good student
Honestly!! It’s 2:00 and the primary hasn’t sent over the release. I’ve had to make numerous phone calls to make sure all the balls, that have been dropped, continue to move
Heading to bed and Still don’t know if everything was taken care of
5/24/23
Tomorrow’s the big day. Called the hospital and docs office and everything is ready to go. Doc called to review everything and she was not happy that the hospital bothered me about the scans. She said I don’t need that stress and they should have just called her office
I really do love my doctor
Went to Lori’s dads service this evening so it was a full night. Gonna try and sleep in a little with hubs in the morning.
I’m not nervous about the surgery just nervous about what I will see in the mirror afterwards
5/25/23
Scheduled go be at the hospital at 11:30 and while I was out getting critters ready for a few days without me, I got a call that they wanted me earlier. Now it’s a mad dash to get cleaned up and get to the hospital. That’s one way to stress a person out right before surgery.
Despite all the run around, someone failed to realize I was going to go to ultrasound prior to surgery to have the ‘guide wires’ put in.
Got to the hospital by 10:30 and it didn’t seem to matter that we scrambled. They didn’t end up taking me to ultrasound until 12 or so. Chelle Mel and Casey came to see me before I went to ultrasound in case there wasn’t time afterwards.
On our travels to ultrasound they were discussing the radioactive shot. I explained to them that my doctor doesn’t do that until I’m under. Their response was that it was news to them as the radioactive was typically done in ultrasound. Thankfully my doctor listens to her patients and stopped doing it that way years ago because it is excruciating pain.
Once into ultrasound someone came by to let the tech know that my doctor would be administering the radioactive dye. So the radiologist administered a local anesthetic to numb the breast while he installed the guide wires. Unfortunately he didn’t wait for the shot to take effect and started installing the guide wire while I could feel everything. That was awful!! I was in tears the pain was so bad. Luckily the second one wasn’t as bad because the anesthesia had taken hold. Still it’s not something I want to do again
Back to preop where Bruce was waiting for me.
5/27/23
Two days post surgery. Thankful that the doc was able to save the nipple. I know that’s a miracle in itself because she was expecting to have to take it all
Today the incision from the lymph nodes has been extremely sore. The nipple area incision burns a little.
All in all I’m feeling ok. Still concerned about the radiation and hormone treatment.
6/2/23
Follow up with the doc. Unfortunate the margins aren’t big enough so I have to go back in for another surgery to remove more tissue.
There was so much info received at this appt. Chemo isn’t off the table. It will depend on the results of additional pathology tests. Under 25 will mean chemo won’t help. Over 25 then they will recommend chemo. So I’m praying the numbers are under 25. Meanwhile the medication I will be put on for hormone treatment (premenopausal) has a 1% chance of causing cervical cancer. With my family history I’m not willing to take that risk. Doc mentioned that they could give me a shot to stop the production of estrogen but what will be the side effects of that? All the hormone treatments cause weight gain and everything I’ve read in one of the groups, shows the meds cause joint pain and exhaustion.
I’m not sure about any of this.
6/723
Surgery #2
Scheduled for 1:30 and didn’t go in until about 5.
It was an exhausting day. Even with all the delays, Bruce wouldn’t leave my side to go get something to eat so poor thing starved all day right along with me.
The hospital told us our doctor had an emergency when in fact the emergency was with them. The doc even showed us the text she received. She came and hung out with us for a bit and we discussed eating habits etc. She’s so nice.
6/11/23
Today is a very emotional day
Found a group that all about living with the side effects of the hormone treatments. 17 thousand members!!!!!
I’ve been doing as much research as I can but it’s so hard because clinical research is usually just on the awful meds. Anything natural gets looked at in a negative light from the medical field.
I’ve read high dose injections of vitamin c are good. Graviola Moringa longevity spinach broccoli sprouts etc are cancer fighters. I drink a tea daily with graviola Moringa longevity and a friend has given me some broccoli sprouts. For long term use I’m going to have to learn how to grow my own so I’m not reliant on others.
Got word yesterday that Clive from church passed away from tongue cancer and rob posted this morning that his buddy had past of cancer. Cancer is an awful thing. I truly believe it’s all the chemicals that are being pumped into our food
80% of breast cancer is hormone induced. 80%!!! That should be enough to realize the hormones being pumped into the food is the culprit. I know it’s impossible to grow and produce all of our own food but I want to be able to do as much as I can. It’s hard doing it on my own though.
I don’t want to just survive the treatments. I want to LIVE!
6/13/23
Today I meet with the radiologist
The ride in is excruciating Didn’t even make it out of the driveway before I broke down so I called Bruce
Of course he helped bring me down off the edge of hysteria. I understand it’s just a consultation not a treatment but there’s so many things running through my brain right now.
Had a major meltdown just trying to find the building and a parking spot. To say I’m a hot mess is an understatement.
So much information received. It’s hard to take it all in. Radiologist feels chemo won’t be necessary but we’re still waiting on pathology report. Ct scheduled for two weeks from today to get a baseline and then radiation will start in three weeks. 6.5 weeks of radiation m-f of the breast underarm and neck area.
Not looking forward to it. Could end up with radiation induced pneumonia- yeah
It’s 2:30 pm and I’m completely exhausted. This mornings emotional hot mess has caught up with me. It’s all I can do to stay awake at work. I just want to go home and take a nap
Got a call from the doc that the second surgery was a success and we have clear margins
What a ride this day has been.
Made it home from work and just want to sleep but we have a conservation meeting tonight.
Rob stopped by and we cried together for a quick minute. Took half a pain pill and 10 minutes to close my eyes. Still don’t want to go but we made a commitment so we’ll go
6/14/23
Today is a new day and emotional hot mess has cleared
Thankful for Bible study tonight. I need it
Got to work and Meg told me about her young friend who also has breast cancer. She has two young kids and will need to have a hysterectomy chemo radiation and hormone treatment. It’s moments like this that I realize how fortunate I am.
6/22/23
Today we saw the oncologist. I can say I am very happy with her.
Turns out I’m NOT lymph node positive. They found 10 abnormal cells in the one lymph node via staining which the oncologist said should never have been done
That means I’m HER2 negative and lymph node negative. I asked her why radiation would do my neck and underarm area if I’m negative. She said they shouldn’t be. SOOOO there is some kind of meeting tonight that she was talking to my surgeon about and they will be discussing my results at their meeting.
Still need the onca results regarding chemo but she seems to think that won’t be needed
Radiation won’t start until after these results are received so not sure when it will start at the moment.
Will still need radiation and hormone treatment but less radiation hopefully
I voiced a few concerns about the hormone treatment and she said when we discuss the results of the test then we’ll discuss the hormone treatment and she will listen to my concerns. She said she’s not (I forget the word) basically she’ll listen and discuss my natural options etc 👍🏻
Now to get more research done
Me being 100% estrogen and progesterone fed is a good thing. I thought it was a bad thing.
Anywho, one day at a time
7/5/23
I’ve been expecting the call but when I received it, I couldn’t breathe. I start radiation tomorrow. We have this week off from work so we’ve been trying to get things done. I’ll get a partial day tomorrow before having to go in. Friday will be a wash because the appt is at 11 so I don’t think I’ll get anything done before or after.
I know this is the next step and I will get through this but it’s still overwhelming.
Terry was supposed to come and pickup Johnny today. Haven’t heard from him yet but I hope he does so I won’t have to stress with dealing with him
7/11/23
What a day! Well afternoon really. Had oncologist and radiation scheduled. 3:45 and 4:10. Called oncologist to see if I could get something earlier and they said no. Called radiation to see how bad it would be if I missed. Doc said it was ok. Tuesdays are my medical days where I see the doc. Since she said I could see the other guy and skip then I opted to just go to the oncologist since it was to get some results.
10 minutes after changing radiation I get a call from oncologists office say doc has to leave early and could I come in at 2:30 to meet with nurse practitioner. Great! Now I can still go to radiation so I hurry and call radiation to make sure I can still go. They said fine. So I get to oncologist at 2:30 and sit and wait for 45 min or so before being taken back. I have to get blood work so I explain that it’s getting late and I need to get to radiation. Meanwhile they’re calling people after me for blood work. So frustrating. So I get back there and they get my blood and I wait again. Half naked just hanging out in the room. Finally she comes in and asks if radiation went over my onca test. NO!!! so unbeknownst to me the reason they started radiation is because the test thankfully showed that chemo wouldn’t be beneficial. If it came back as beneficial then radiation would have been postponed. It’s be nice if they’d explain this stuff.
Anywho time keeps ticking. My brack test came back negative so that’s a good thing. Finally I’m dressed and headed out. Waiting to make my next appt. One person ahead of me and one behind. They working with lady ahead and someone else takes the lady behind me. HELLO!!! it’s no 3;50 and I have a 4:10 appt off pb lakes and Dixie. I’m at pga blvd east of 95. I’m stressing out.
I made it to the appt by 4:15 but I’m stressed out From oncologist to radiation my bp went up 10 pts.
I see the doc and change and begin the wait. These guys are running an hour behind too!!!! It’s 5:10 before they finally take me back. 5:30 or so I’m thankfully headed home. Home by 6 and turn around to head out to the FSCA meeting. I’m wiped out from all the running.
7/13/23
So yesterday my tongue felt funny. Didn’t think much of it until today when it seemed to be a little more intense. I looked in the mirror and my tongue was white. Immediately I think of thrush. So I looked it up and thrush is a side effect of radiation. Fun times
7/31/23
Today was exhausting. I was exhausted at work then the weather was bad trying to get to treatment. The building got hit by lightning so the machine was down so now I have an extra day added. Came home and went straight to bed for a few hours. The skin under my arm is very sore and the breast is super sensitive and painful
4 treatments left.
8/26/23
It’s weird I feel like things are so much clearer now. I was talking to a friend yesterday and I mentioned how it feels like the fog has been lifted.
I’ve spent the last few months just holding on, going through the motions. I felt like I was doing pretty good and from outside appearance I’m guessing all seemed well but now that I’m a couple weeks out from radiation I just feel like my mind is clear
Sounds crazy I guess but everything seems a bit easier. Today I was able to lift things I couldn’t lift before. I could barely spend any time outside without being completely spent. Today we took a trail ride got a couple errands run and I’ve been able to work on cleaning stuff up in the garden area.
So glad this portion is over. I’m still concerned with how the hormones are going to affect me but I can’t worry about it. I’ll start it and see how it goes. One step at a time
8/27/23
Read in on of the groups that there is a link between alcohol intake and bc
This is interesting to me because I didn’t start drinking until I was 38. Literally (occasional drinking maybe once a month )
I tried alcohol at 21 when I was of age but I was already married and had a couple kids so my life was about raising my kids not partying with friends.
Now at 54 I was diagnosed with BC
I tested negative on the brca test too.
I believe our food has more to do with the rise in BC (my opinion not scientifically proven 🤪)
When my aunt was diagnosed 30 plus years ago BC wasn’t as rampant. Now they say 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed.
Did a quick search and found from the mid 2000’s the bc rate has gone up half a percent per year
I have been fortunate through this journey. Recently finished radiation and due to start this treatment soon
It concerns me seeing everyone’s account of how it has affected them.
9/29/23
Update from the oncologist visit
It was a bit nerve racking with them being so behind and me trying to not miss work and do it on my lunch hour kind of thing.
In all I was there about 3 hours.
We discussed the tamoxifen which has a 1% chance of causing uterine or cervical cancer can’t remember which.
Anywho, I was upset and she took the time to settle me and discuss alternate options.
We discussed intermittent fasting, exercise, losing weight (the typical deal) eating more fruits and veggies, the Mediterranean diet and some other stuff too. Lots of numbers and percentages. My brain was spinning when I left there.
The nice thing though is she takes the time to listen to my concerns. The PA I spoke with the last time simply blew off my concerns and said nothing natural would help. She even mentioned sour sop which HELLO! People have had good results with.
Needless to say I won’t be seeing the PA again.
SOOO I go back in 6 weeks to see how I’m doing with my dietary changes oh yeah she mentioned gut biome, so gotta work on that.
Basically everything starts in the gut - health or sickness - it all starts there. I knew that but have been shirking my dietary needs.
6 week follow up
Down 11 lbs and the oncologist was happy with these results.
The fight will continue to lose weight, exercise and eat healthier
12/12/23
Made it through Thanksgiving without completely destroying my results. The struggle continues daily to make the right choices for my bodies health.
A few songs that have carried me through - and made me bawl like a baby
Fight song,
You Say by Lauren Daigle.. just a couple songs that make me cry immediately
Faithfully by Toby Mac